David and I have some friends in the neighborhood who we get together with on occasion. We’ll invite them over for dinner and drinks and vice versa, and it’s a great time catching up. They’re not vegan, but they always do a lovely job of putting together a vegan feast. I know that sometimes when faced with the idea of having vegans over for dinner, some non-vegans are stumped. It’s as if you told them, “Don’t think about elephants!” Of course, all they can think about are long trunks, droopy ears, and if a magic feather really could make you fly.
Sometimes when faced with the idea of inviting a vegan couple over for dinner, meat eaters suddenly can only think about all of the things they can’t make them. Rack of this and leg of that are off the table. Cream covered whatnot and cheesy whatever? Forget about those too. I know in the past I’ve faced the same thought patterns when cooking for gluten intolerant friends or people who have specific allergies. There I am at the grocery store reading labels, and thinking of new things to dip in the hummus that aren’t crackers or pita.
Speaking of PITA, sometimes I get the feeling from reading Dear Abby-type columns, that some vegans (and those with other specific dietary needs) worry that this is how they’ll be perceived by hosts. And to be fair, sometimes I’ll hear about hosts who don’t want to take their guests’ needs into account. In these last seven years of eating a meatless diet, I have come across some people who weren’t very receptive (or some who were downright hostile), but that has been the minority far and away. Furthermore, the more time that passes that David and I are vegan, the more comfortable our friends and family get with it. They have a clearer idea of the kinds of things that we eat, and for a large part, veganism has been demystified. Pass us the fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, beans, and grains, and we’re happy. Ordering a pizza? Great! We’ll take ours cheeseless.
What is more common is that people have warmed my heart by how caring and considerate they’ve been. Whether it’s a simple pasta with marinara, a taco bar, three bean chili, or a spread of fruit, crudités, and bean dip, it always makes me feel very welcome and cared for when people make the effort when they’ve invited us into their homes. And when I have those aforementioned people with allergies or specific dietary needs into my home, I don’t perceive it as a hassle to accommodate them. They’re my friends. It’s kind of like when my dad would come to visit me in California. It was a pleasure to keep his favorite beer in my fridge. It was my way of saying, I want you here. I want you to feel comfortable. (Now my parents keep soy milk and snacks in their fridge for us, and it makes us feel very loved!)
A question that sometimes comes up then is – does that mean I’ll keep or make meat dishes for meat eating guests? No. The people I’m having over don’t have an ethical issue with vegetables. They eat them in their homes and in their lives. My friends don’t expect me to change my values depending on who’s coming to dinner. They know that our compassion for animals extends to include cows, pigs, sheep, fish, and chickens. That’s our baseline. They no more expect us to serve them bacon than they would a Muslim or practicing Jew.
So when our neighborhood friends had us over for dinner recently, they visited our local co-op before we arrived. I think this is such a great idea to pad out a meal without adding extra time in the kitchen, especially if you’re cooking in a way that’s different for you. At most natural grocery stores with a deli, they label what’s vegan and vegetarian, often with the ingredients included. Our hosts were able to pick up several different dishes, making sure that they didn’t have eggs, dairy, or meat in them. Then they made a batch of quinoa and sliced some homegrown tomatoes. They’d grilled onions and sweet potatoes before our arrival and had them heating in the oven until it was time to serve dinner. For dessert, they served Rice Dream ice cream topped with raspberries.
There was so much to eat (more than I have room to picture here), and it was a bit like Thanksgiving having a bit of this and a bit of that. I liked that they didn’t feel there had to be one particular entrée or focal point to the meal. When you think about sharing a meal with friends at a Chinese, Ethiopian, or Indian restaurant, there doesn’t have to be one main item sitting at the 6:30 mark on your plate. We’ve grown accustomed in American culture to the meat and two veg idea, but there’s no reason that it can’t be delicious nibbles of this and that.
I think when people go vegan, they sometimes worry that they’ll be ostracized from social events. They worry they’ll be shunned at the grill out. But what I’ve found is that when we open up to the people in our lives about the things we care about, they widen their definitions of us. They make room for these aspects of who we are, and when they accept these parts of us, it deepens the understanding between us.
Eloquent and generous.
Thank you, Carol!
Wow. Perfectly put. I love the idea of people grabbing already prepared food at Whole Foods to accommodate guests. I never thought of that before!
I’m thinking of elephants now.
I like the idea of grabbing prepared food too! It takes a lot of the stress out of it. Even the vegan issue aside, sometimes it’s nice to have someone else share part of the load with you when getting ready for a dinner party. After all, there’s already plenty to do in preparation of your guests’ arrival!
Sorry I got you started on elephants! I suppose it was inevitable!
Oh that would be amazing! We definitely haven’t had that experience with our family but they happily come here and eat up all our “vegan food”. What kind friends you have!
Yes, I feel very blessed when our friends are so thoughtful! I’ve seen the food you cook. I’m not surprised that your family would happily gobble it up!
This is such a great post, Cadry. I agree that most people I come into contact with, whether they’re family, friends or acquaintances, are more intrigued and curious about veganism than anything else. I love it when I can share a recipe with them and have them not even miss the butter, cheese, etc because it’s good in its own right.
Doesn’t that feel good? I always hope with every positive encounter of a dish without animal products that people will have altered perceptions about what “vegan food” can mean.
Love this post. I’ve found the same to be true for the most part. My mom has even started keeping coconut milk ice cream in her freezer for me.
Aren’t you lucky? I’m going to have to start rallying for Coconut Bliss Cherry Amaretto in my parents’ freezer!
love the post cadry.. when we drop by unannounced we usually pick up a snack and some coconut creamer coz no indian goes without chai
. most events lately were decent, since there are enough options in indian food. we skipped the bbqs. though i can already feel the distance this year. not getting invited to some events, not being able to connect as much with age old friends who while discussing about dying calfs, cruelty, gorge on meaty and dairy intense dishes.. its tough.
Good idea to bring snacks and creamer with you! We always come prepared with snacks too when it’s more of an impromptu visit. I wouldn’t want you to miss out on chai!
How long have you been vegan, Richa? If it’s a more recent transition, I wonder if your friends will come around with time. In my experience, the more time that’s gone by, the less resistance and more understanding that people have.
coming up on our 2 year anniversary for when we started the transition. Yep, that is true. A few people here and there making small changes already, my family reciprocating as well!:).
.. sorry for the rant
its just a few nasty set(all men) whose work involves constantly arguing, so they also apply the same to discussions and just push me off the block some days. though i can feel bits of change in the wives esp the ones who are pregnant. luckily my husband is always around to shield me from some of their stupidity or from some of my own over emotional responses
Congrats on two years vegan! That’s great! I know what you mean about people who want to argue for the sake of arguing. I’ve met that type before, and I don’t have any interest in engaging there either. When people are genuinely curious, of course, I’m eager to talk, but when it’s debate for its own sake, no thanks.
I SO needed this post this week. Like Richa, we have felt the sting from not getting invited to certain things, but most friends have been very supportive. Chris’s family is very accepting, and the vegetarian/omnivore ratio is pretty equal (though, we’re the only vegans). Chris’s mom keeps almond milk and earth balance in her fridge and always tries to have raw veggies and hummus on hand for us to nibble on. They love trying the food we bring and actually make requests for the next time we come over.
My family, however, does not care for our decision at all, and every meal with them requires me to defend my choices. I’ve actually been asked if I was in a cult (not surprising considering that my aunt and my grandmother formed an intervention when I became vegetarian, thinking that I had an eating disorder). They do not make any effort to have any vegan offerings, but instead make jokes about how we can’t eat anything they’re having. I’m fine with bringing all of our own food when we travel, but it would be nice to not be met with rolled eyes. They won’t even try my food because they assume that because it’s vegan, it’s not good. I know that they are being defensive because they probably feel like we are judging them. It makes every trip there very stressful and I find myself not looking forward to it.
It is so great to hear that your friends and family have become so accepting and try to make sure you have options and that you’re included. It truly, sincerely gives me hope that things will change in time. We are actually leaving tomorrow to go visit for the weekend, and I’ve been dreading it all week. I’m really starting to feel better about it now and feel like my patience has just been given a boost. Thank you so much!
Oh, Kristy! This comment makes me so sad! I can’t believe they asked if you were in a cult and formed an intervention! I can only imagine your astonished and hurt reaction…
You make such gorgeous and delicious food, and it’s a shame that your family won’t even try it. I know how it feels to take pride in cooking and generate a lot of pleasure in it, only to have people ignore it out of hand because it’s “too weird” or “too healthy.” It has been my experience that most people come around. With time it doesn’t seem so strange and they realize that my being vegan isn’t going anywhere.
Please let me know how the weekend went! I hope your boosted patience helped! Sometimes when I go into situations like that, I like to pretend that I’m an outsider in a documentary viewing another culture. Then I can take hostility or passion aggression in a way that’s a bit more detached. It becomes a peek into someone else’s world instead of an attack.
The weekend went really well, actually. I think because it was a special occasion, everyone was on their best behavior. We did get a few rude comments and rolled eyes, but it wasn’t made a central focus of the table conversation, so in my book, it was a good day. And the dish I brought was not only tasted, but devoured by several more open-minded cousins who are not always around at family gatherings. There were no leftovers!
It does just take time, I think. Like I said before, this post couldn’t have come at a better time.
I’m so glad that it went better than you’d anticipated and that people were on their best behavior! Maybe seeing your cousins eager to try your food and enjoy it sunk in a bit to those family members who are more suspect. I’ve found that when people see other people enjoying something and acting like it’s just delicious food (not flavorless nuts & twigs), they become more open to it over time.
what a great post! it looks like you were treated to a feast!
Thanks, Caralyn! David and I feel really blessed to have such wonderful neighbors and friends!
Great post! And nice friends! When I first went vegan, I was worried about eating socially, especially at people’s homes. I was afraid others would perceive it as a burden, afraid they’d get upset or defensive. While I’m sure I’ll run into that from time to time, I’ve been so pleasantly surprised and humbled by how accommodating most people want to be, and how much they go above and beyond to include and provide food for us. It always warms my little vegan heart
That’s lovely to hear! I’m so glad!
I think you nailed it when you said as time passes, your friends and family get more used to veganism and then it just becomes easy – it’s the same with my folks. In my experience people are really accommodating. My granny even makes me vegan desserts! And…”the people I’m serving don’t have an ethical issue with eating vegetables”, so true. I’ve had that argument before (not often, thankfully) where meat eaters think it’s rude that they make you vegetarian food, but you don’t make them omni food. Always scratched my head at that one.
I’m glad to hear that it’s been your experience as well that people have been accommodating. That’s really sweet of your granny to make you vegan desserts!