In the non-vegan world we live in, there are constant reminders of the animal industry. That’s why I value my vegan home as a sanctuary. Here’s what that means for visitors in our space.
When David and I moved away from the expense of a big city, one of the things we were most looking forward to was living in a house.
In our adult lives up until that point, we’d shared walls, floors, and/or ceilings with strangers. From dorm rooms, to apartments, to townhomes, we were always aware of the people sharing the roof above us.
If neighbors were smoking cigarettes or cooking a big roast, the smell wafted in through our vents.
If they had friends over for a party singing or playing video games until all hours, we could hear them through the walls.
If they got into raging fights and then blared Celine Dion afterwards, we knew what was happening through every second of the drama. (Their heart did go on. And on. And on.)
We never truly had control over our environments.
Keeping a vegan home
So one of the things we were eager to experience with our cross country move was having a vegan home. We yearned to have a sanctuary from the outside world.
(The one exception is cat food for our carnivorous kitties. While humans can thrive on a vegan diet, cats are obligate carnivores and cannot. So we feed Jezebel and Avon a species-appropriate diet.)
Whenever I use our wood cutting boards, I don’t have to worry about which one has had meat cut on it and which one has just been used on raw vegetables.
If I need a spoon or fork to stir something and there is one already laying out, I don’t have to wonder what it has been touching.
If I lay bell peppers or cucumbers directly on the rack in the refrigerator, I don’t have to be concerned that a package of meat has been there before them, leaving germs behind.
The kitchen sponge and sink never have meaty remnants on them.
It makes my home a very comfortable place for me to be.
All of the cleaning products we use are vegan and haven’t been tested on animals. We have cloth couches and chairs, pillows that aren’t stuffed with feathers, and an outdoor grill that has only been used for asparagus, bell peppers, onions, and the like.
When I walk in the door, I relish the smells of spices, sautéed onions, massaged kale, or freshly squeezed juice.  (A home that smells like a juice bar may be one of my favorite smells ever.  It’s like fresh cut grass but inside.)
This is a non-vegan world that we live in. And whenever we go out into it, there are reminders of the animal industry.
Whether it’s billboards, the sights and smells of the meat counter at the grocery store, seeing a semi truck full of pigs on the highway on their way to be slaughtered, overhearing people order lamb at a restaurant, or going on a bike ride and seeing tags on the ears of the cows we pass in the field, viewing the world through a vegan lens can be depressing.
But the one space we can control is our own home.
So what does that mean when it comes to guests?
We all make boundaries for our homes that we expect guests to follow.
When we see that our host takes off her shoes at the door, as a guest, we do the same. If the guest is a smoker but the host is not, most people would assume that lighting up a cigarette in the living room would not be appropriate.
If a guest came over with a dog, he would ask the host before allowing the dog to sit on the furniture. If a person kept kosher, it would be rude for a guest to show up with a lunch of BLT’s.
In that vein, David and I also set boundaries in our own home.
When we were moving, I mentioned to those people closest to us (and who would be most likely to stop by with food) that we kept a vegan home.
I think it’s important to be honest and open with those people that you care about on the things that matter to you. It’s also best to have those conversations well ahead of time to avoid awkwardness or embarrassment at some point in the future.
(For example, it’s much better to discuss it in a relaxed phone conversation and not when the person shows up with a whole turkey to roast in your oven.)
To my relief, it wasn’t a big issue and has been pretty seamless.
The people closest to us know our values, and it didn’t come as a huge surprise.
Admittedly, sometimes that means they stop and eat fast food before they come and see us. And with people in our lives who are afraid of foods like guacamole (because it’s green), we go out for pizza when they visit.
When we have friends over, I make snacks/meals/drinks that I think they would be comfortable eating. For some people that means something ordinary like popcorn and potato chips. For others that means something a little more adventurous.
But no matter what, the food that I serve is always vegan.
And if a friend would like to bring a dish with her/him, that item is always vegan too.
Personally, I can’t imagine going to the house of someone who is gluten intolerant and bringing a loaf of wheat bread or going to the house of someone with a nut allergy and bringing peanut noodle salad. I don’t bring wine to the home of friends who are against the use of alcohol.
It makes sense to bring something that everyone can enjoy.
And what about out of town guests?
A few years ago, a friend was coming to our town for a visit. He asked about staying with us. I let him know that he was more than welcome but animal products were not. I knew that might be a deal breaker with him, because he eats a very meat-heavy diet.
Unsurprisingly, he decided to stay with a different friend in town instead. When I went to her place to pick him up, I can’t tell you how happy I was about setting clear boundaries.
He was cooking. And the whole apartment smelled like his breakfast of eggs and sausage. I was glad that those weren’t my pans he was cooking on, and that they wouldn’t be soaking later in my sink.
For other guests who did opt to stay at our house, I bought fruit, made smoothies, provided bagels & non-dairy cream cheese along with hummus, and cereal with non-dairy milk…
Not everyone has eaten the things we’ve offered. Sometimes they left early for breakfast elsewhere.
That’s a little disappointing, since I wish they’d take me up on my hospitality. But ultimately, this is a home, not a restaurant. Not everyone will want what we are offering. All I can do is try and hope they appreciate the gesture if nothing else.
When I go to someone else’s home, I don’t have the expectation that it will be meat-free. I’m under no delusions that this is a vegan world. But it touches me when my friends and family are considerate of us, our feelings, and our values when they come to visit.
Finaly 'the vegan' Dalton
Just because they are cats doesn’t animals should die for their food
Cadry
Humans are omnivores, who can not only survive but thrive on a vegan diet. Cats are obligate carnivores. In nature, they would eat mice & birds. I’ve spoken to multiple vegan veterinarians on the topic, and they do not advise feeding cats a vegan diet. Here’s more information on feeding cats a vegan diet from the ASPCA.
Cynthia
Thanks for this post. My good friend, who knows damn well I’m vegan and is staying with me, just came home from the store with a chocolate milk and a yogurt and put them on my counter. It was awkward to remind her that this is a vegan home, but she took them outside and said she wouldn’t violate my boundary again. Why is it so hard to understand that a vegan would want to keep the one space that’s her own free from animal cruelty?!
BTW, cats can be vegan. One of mine lived to be 20 years old on a vegan diet. Check out Amicat.
Jojo
Great post Cadry! I’m totally with ya on this, my home is the one place where I get to pretend that nobody eats animals and I’m lucky that both Nick and I agree 100% on that. I remember being really pissed when an old friend brought dairy containing biscuits to my pre-wedding lady friend gathering and ever since I make sure to tell people that everything they bring has to be vegan. We have family members who always ask if we’ll have milk for their tea when they come over and we always just say yes and give them non-dairy milk. Nobody has ever even noticed!
Cadry
Thanks, Jojo! I like the way you put that – “My home is the one place where I get to pretend that nobody eats animals…” It’s comforting to have a place where there’s a reprieve from it.
Jess
This a great post Cadry! Although we keep a vegan home, it’s not something I’ve openly discussed with guests prior to their arrival – I suppose it’s no surprise that there have been a few incidences when people have shown up with animal products in tow. Our friends are great for the most part, and actually my parents are usually the worst for it, and as they are always visiting from out of town they show up with dairy cream for their coffee, a little butter and cow’s cheese. Why they can’t go a long weekend without I’ll never understand. It bothers me, but I haven’t really put my foot down about it. Mark on the other hand though… it drives him nuts! My folks are super awesome and will get it if I draw the line, which I suppose I will finally for their next visit.
Cadry
It can be hard to set boundaries with family, whether it’s regarding veganism or any number of other things in life. I think it was helpful in our case that we were moving back to Iowa after well over a decade away. So we were able to establish new ground rules without any awkwardness of changing course mid-stream. I’ll be interested to hear how it goes with your parents next time. Keep me posted!
Bianca
Gosh, I’d love to have a vegan home! But Paul isn’t vegan, so we have his meaty stuff in the house. I’m used to it, so I don’t let it bother me. But I do dream of a day when he finally makes the cows-are-the-same-as-cats connection and gives up his meat and dairy. Our cleaning products are vegan (cause I’m the only one who uses them anyway. Ha!), but he does buy his own hygiene products (not vegan). As for meat, he rarely buys raw meat. But he does buy canned soups and frozen meals with meat. Thankfully, those things don’t stink up the house!
River
Excellent post! Good for you for letting your friend know that he was welcome to stay but his meaty things weren’t. That meat stink lingers for so long! Your entire house would have smelled like stinky sausage for days!
Cadry
Thanks, River! I was so relieved that I’d set clear boundaries with him.
Veganopoulous
What a great post. I’d love a fully vegan home but my husband and son aren’t vegan and my daughter is vegetarian though we are a mostly vegan home in general. I only prepare vegan food and my husband cooks meat very rarely but when he does, the house stinks and I can’t stand it. We hardly ever have non-vegan food in the fridge. In the past when I was planning a lovely lunch event for extended family, I was told I was being rude by not providing meat/cheese for people who ate that… I never did host that lunch because I felt quite hurt, that people can’t go without eating meat just *once* when they’re invited to someone’s home who is preparing a feast for them. Also, as the cook I refuse to serve food I haven’t tasted because I’m not going to serve something I think tastes bad so obviously my menu would be plant based! Before I was vegan my vegan friend told me that her daughter’s friend was staying over and the friend’s mother brought over some dinner (meat pasta) and wanted to use the microwave. My friend said no, we don’t have meat in our home and the place will stink. I admit I thought that was over the top but boy do I get it now! When my husband heats up meat leftovers (like a meal my mum has cooked for him) the smell goes through everything. I once helped with the washing up at a family bbq and I had completely forgotten the smell and feel of the fat on my hands when I was washing up. Urgh! Scrubbing my hands didn’t help, plus the hand towels all had greasy smell on them. I think I’m definitely more sensitive to the smells now and they really turn me off.
Cadry
Wow, I don’t blame you at all for opting out of your lunch event. It can feel very frustrating that vegans are often expected to have less-than-ideal meals (iceberg lettuce salad, pasta with marinara, a plain baked potato) at restaurants and events, but when the tables are turned and non-vegans are asked to eat something outside of their “norm” for one meal, it’s seen as an impossible request. When David and I got married, I was vegetarian and he was pescetarian. So at our wedding, there was a vegetarian option and a fish option. A guest actually emailed me that he “wanted FOOD” and he was going to eat at In ‘N’ Out before the reception. I was so insulted, because we were paying $40/plate for our guests. It was beyond rude. I can only imagine the pushback we would have gotten if it was a vegan wedding, which obviously it would be if we were getting married today.
Susan
I live with my omnivorous parents at the moment, which can be pretty tough at times. Though I do have certain things that I keep as vegan only. Or try to. My mother has used my slow cooker for meat before. :/
One day I really hope to have my own place, which I will definitely keep 100% vegan except for cat food (as a kitty vet, I am happy to hear you are looking after your kitties with their diet properly).
Lovlie
This is something that I have been debating in my head for quite a long while. My partner (also vegan) and I have been living away from family for the past few years. And because we are away from our home country, we don’t have family coming to our house. But now we do know it is only a matter of time when we will have to have them over to visit us and the country we’re settled in. Apart from my sister, no one else in the family is vegan and they are probably going to find it hard to live meatfree for the amount of time they’d want to spend at our place. It will probably be a stay of a couple of months at least. I really have no idea how I am going to manage this. The last time I went on holidays back to my home country, I found it quite hard to live along where meat were cooked and stored in a freezer. It was very disturbing for me. And I had to live a year like this while waiting for my visa to get processed. I bought some new pans for me only to find out one day that they had cooked chicken in it. I did not know how to take this and neither did they. They could not grasp the issue. I am not saying they did all this on purpose; they did try their best to accommodate my diet but overall it was not an easy situation. As for friends, it is easier to just set the rules and they will either come or not come. But with family, it’s a little more delicate.
Cadry
I can see how that would be really hard with family for an extended period of time like two months. When my non-vegan parents came to visit us in California, they ate vegan meals in our home, but then when we went out to eat, they’d order non-vegan things. We went out to eat for at least one meal a day. However, I can see how in your situation with a two-month long visit, that would be trickier. Since there is still time before their visit, do you think it’s something you could start discussing with them now? Maybe if they knew how uncomfortable it would make you, they would be willing. You won’t know if you don’t ask.
Amey
What an interesting post… Our house isn’t strictly vegan, because Musty isn’t vegan. I think the only non-vegan things he ever cooks at home are rare batches of mac n cheese from a box or ramen noodles. He gets his non-vegan needs met outside of the house, but he does often get take out and bring it home to eat here. I buy all the vegan toothpaste and dishsoap and all that – and he buys his own crazy stuff. I guess an all-vegan home sounds great to me, but since it’s never been an option (without kicking out Musty), I haven’t really had reason or opportunity to get strict about it. I definitely wouldn’t cook non-vegan food for anyone here, but sometimes my parents will bring creamer for their coffee and I just roll with it.
Cadry
Thanks for sharing your story, Amey! I can see how it would change the dynamics and expectations since Musty isn’t vegan. If half of the household isn’t vegan, I can see why you wouldn’t feel the need to make explicit boundaries for guests in your home.
Kristy
I love this, Cadry. As you know, our home is totally vegan, but recently, other’s bringing non-vegan items into our house has been an issue. A couple weeks ago, the twins had friends over, and one of the girls didn’t want to eat vegan pizza that we were having delivered so she showed up with Baja Fresh. I get it, they’re still kids and don’t totally get proper etiquette for visiting people’s homes, but it was still a matter of “Well, do we make her take her trash out to the dumpster because we don’t want the smell of that crap lingering in our trash can, or do we just do it?” Also, we recently let Chris’s older son and girlfriend house-sit/dog-sit for us, and though his son is vegetarian, his girlfriend is not and our fridge was filled with meat and dairy when we came home. I was thoroughly disgusted. Is it right for me to expect our house-sitters to only eat vegan in our home, even when we’re not there? It’s a tough call. But thank you for this post- it definitely made me think. 🙂
Cadry
Wow, Kristy. Those are tricky situations. Do you think you could talk with the friend at some neutral point in time, or have the twins mention it? I would worry about it setting a precedent and other kids in the friend group also assuming that’s okay.
I would be so unhappy to come home and find a refrigerator full of meat and dairy. That would feel very disrespectful and upsetting to me. At the very least, I’m surprised his girlfriend didn’t throw it away or take it with her before you got home. Do you think Chris will mention it to his son? It seems like if nothing else it would be a good discussion to have before he house-sits again in the future.
Nicole {VeganShowOff.com}
My goal is to one day have a completely vegan home. My significant other is a big meat/cheese eater (although he does eat almost all of my vegan dinners so that’s a plus). I wasn’t vegan when we got together, although I was vegetarian, so I feel like I need to cut him a little slack. It’s getting harder and harder to do that though. I’m definitely getting more strict as time goes by and I spend a lot of time thinking about this kind of stuff and what the future holds. I don’t allow any meat to be cooked in the house but he still has a designated drawer in the fridge that he mostly puts dairy cheese in but occasionally some cold cuts will be in there all wrapped up in 10 bags like I won’t notice them. Totally grosses me out! Oh and another thing that really irks me is that sometimes I’ll make a really awesome vegan dinner for us and then he has to get out his cheese to add to it, totally ruining it! Grrrrr! Well I could go on and on since you brought up so many good points in this post. Don’t even get me started on the grotesque meat/seafood section in the grocery store, or the fact that when I go on a run through my neighborhood I’m constantly being choked out by BBQ and other animal cooking smells because I run around dinner time. I’ve tried holding my breath but that’s just not feasible when you’re exercising lol.
Cadry
Good luck with your long-term goal, Nicole! When David and I met, we were both meat eaters. And so it was definitely an evolution between where we started and how we got here. I went vegetarian first, and so he ate mostly vegetarian at home. On those occasions he wanted meat, he purchased it himself and cooked it himself. I didn’t pressure David in any way to become vegetarian. However, we talk about everything. So I would share with him the things that I was learning through podcasts and books.
After I’d been vegetarian about a year, he went vegetarian too. He realized that he was already pretty much vegetarian since he was eating that way at home, taking vegetarian lunches many days, and there was a vegetarian restaurant near his office that he frequently visited. So he decided to go all the way. A few months later, I went vegan, and he started slowly transitioning in that direction. About six months later he went vegan too. Now I’ve been vegan for almost 8 years. So for the vast majority of our relationship we’ve both been vegan. So anyway, I understand what you’re feeling. When there’s another person involved with his/her own feelings, ideas, and beliefs, things evolve in their own timeline.
Isn’t it interesting how disgusting the sights and smells are from the meat counter after going vegan? Now I’m amazed that I didn’t smell it before that and how much it really smells like blood. (Of course it would.) But I think when it’s something you’re around all the time, you don’t notice it. It’s just a background smell. And then once it’s something you’re never around, you really notice it when it’s there.
Shauna
This is a great article. My husband and I are buying our first house this summer and we also plan to keep a vegan house (And I cannot tell you how happy the thought of not sharing walls makes me!) I also can’t wait to have a REAL garden to grow my food in, unlike my failed balcony garden of last year.
On a different note, I also feed our cat meat based foods (obviously) but I was just wondering what your cat food of choice was.
Cadry
Thanks, Shauna! Congratulations on buying your first home. After sharing walls with other people for years, it’s so nice for your space to be totally your own! Good luck with the garden! I have no green thumb whatsoever. We tried gardening our first year in a house, and since we have so much wildlife in our area, it was a total bust. I figured for the cost of building a large garden enclosure, I’d rather go to the farmers market every week. 🙂
We feed our kitties Wellness Indoor Health.
Hannah
I’ve gotten into an several arguments with a certain Aunt about this very thing:
1. Years ago she got crazy offended that I wouldn’t eat some non-vegan donuts she bought for breakfast. I had been vegan for several years. It wasn’t like a surprise.
2. She refused to drink coffee at my house because my creamer was non-dairy, and she was all pissed that we didn’t have milk for her. (seriously….)
3. We all went for brunch at M Cafe in LA (it was my Mom’s first visit to LA, and I was dying to take her there!), and my Aunt threw the biggest fit known to man about not having cream for her coffee. Someone finally left the meal to buy her milk because she was being so insane.
I’m so glad I’ve never had to deal with that from anyone else. Every other person in my life has been respectful of my boundaries. Years later I was throwing my mother a huge party for her 50th. My Mom is an ethical vegan so obviously her party was going to be completely vegan. That same Aunt started getting all huffy about how we weren’t being good hosts, and I shut down that conversation so fast. I have no tolerance anymore. Sorry that this is the longest comment ever!
Cadry
Wow, your aunt sounds intense and very controlling where food is concerned. I’m glad you’ve continued to stand your ground. Otherwise, it sounds like she would gladly railroad you. It’s interesting that she didn’t see the conflict with her idea that you should eat a donut regardless of an ethical position but she should make a fuss over drinking a beverage because of a preference. When people become so incensed and controlling, I think it becomes clear that the issue isn’t really about veganism at all. There’s something else happening there.
Side note: That’s so awesome that your mom is an ethical vegan too! Did she go vegan first or did you? Or maybe you have a post about it on your blog…
Hannah
Yeah, my Aunt can be really nuts. After the 50th birthday party fiasco she’s been much more supportive, thank God. Or at least not outwardly unsupportive.
My Mom is such an awesome vegan! I was vegan first, but she’s coming up on 6 or 7 years now. She grew up very very not vegan, and she’s now the most intense vegan I know. She constantly speaks up for animals, and just refuses to accept other’s discomfort as an excuse for silence. Everyday I try a little more and more to be as brave as she is.
mary
vegan moms unite! my son is in LA, but I am the staunchest vegan in Fairbanks, AK, land of hunters and trappers. Your taking the time to explain helps people understand and find the true path of compassion.
Siobhan
Well said, Cadry.
Cadry
Thanks, Siobhan.