Today I’m talking about vegan problems. What to do when you’re invited into someone else’s home for birthday parties, graduation parties, and similar celebrations.
Of course, when friends invite me over for an intimate dinner, I can be assured that they will be making a vegan option.
But when I’m invited to an event in someone else’s honor, it’s a bit different.
Navigating the proper etiquette can be tricky, and when you’re living in a non-vegan world, these scenarios pop up regularly.
Remember, a prepared vegan is a happy vegan. Here are some things I’ve tried over the years when I’ve been invited to someone else’s event.
Eat ahead of time
If it’s an informal gathering like someone’s retirement party or toddler’s birthday party, unless the person who is being honored is vegan too, there’s a good chance that the vegan offerings will be slim.
So I tend to go with the assumption that nothing there will be vegan and never arrive famished. Then if there are some accidentally vegan things like a fruit tray, carrot sticks and hummus, potato chips, or tortilla chips and salsa, it’s a nice surprise.
Sometimes people will go out of their way to include something vegan on my account, and that’s lovely. But that’s not my expectation.
If it’s a larger event, like a wedding, there’s often a box on the invitation for selecting a vegetarian wedding meal or listing any dietary requirements. However, sometimes it’s a buffet. And then you can’t be sure what will be offered.
Last year David and I attended an out-of-town wedding for one of his co-workers. It was going to be a buffet situation. In a casual moment in the weeks before the wedding, David asked the co-worker about what they would be serving.
The co-worker had a moment of revelation that we would be driving 4 hours to attend the wedding, but there wouldn’t be anything vegan on the buffet line.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” he told David.
David assured him that there were lots of vegan-friendly restaurants in the area that we were looking forward to trying. Between the wedding and the reception when there was a break for pictures, we went to one of them for a quick bite.
Since the reception was a buffet, people were eating at random times anyway. So it didn’t seem strange when we were just having drinks while other people ate.
(For more ideas about how to handle the post-nuptials food situation, check out this post on getting vegan meals at a non-vegan wedding.)
Ask the host about the planned menu
If it’s a larger party with some kind of food theme like a nacho bar, breakfast bar, chili, sandwiches, etcetera, I’ll talk to the host ahead of time.
I’ll ask questions about what they’re planning. And that’s when a host will tell me if anything will be vegan.
Sometimes they’ll ask for suggestions. And I’ll suggest things that fit with what they are already making.
If it’s a sandwich bar, hummus is an easy choice. They can just pick up a container if they don’t want to make their own.
If it’s a taco bar, black beans are a simple option.
If it’s a pizza party, lots of vegetables and no cheese, please.
Plus, I always offer to bring something to help ease the load. It’s best to ask first, so that the host doesn’t go to a lot of work and then feel like a dish is “competing” with what they’ve made. They may have a set menu in mind.
If the host takes me up on it, then I try to choose something that would be substantive enough for my main course but would also be a complimentary side dish for others.
A hearty salad with cashew dressing, Israeli couscous salad, or split pea soup are all good options.
(For more ideas, check out this post on vegan potlucks.)
Make a veganized version of the menu
This is a trick that I sometimes hear parents suggest for vegan children. For example, if the child’s peers are eating sandwiches with deli slices and bags of potato chips, the other 7-year-olds won’t know the difference if the vegan child is eating turkey or Tofurky.
It’s important to some kids that they “fit in” and not to feel like they stand out for eating differently.
Even though kids are the ones who often have that reputation, I don’t think adults are so far off sometimes.
Despite what they sang on Sesame Street, it can feel uncomfortable to be the one doing your own thing. And when you’re having dinner, you don’t always want the conversation to turn to you and what you’re eating.
So although I would typically think of this as an option for kids, I tried this a few months ago and kind of loved it.
My niece was celebrating her birthday. David and I were invited to her party for dinner and cake. Every year on her birthday, my niece requests her favorite lasagna.
A different year, my sister-in-law threw some noodles in for us along with jarred pasta sauce. It totally worked.
But this year I decided to do something different, especially since I knew my brother and sister-in-law had their hands full getting the house ready for guests and preparing for the party. I assured them that we could handle our dinner for the evening.
The night before the party, I made a small tray of lasagna. David and I had it for dinner. Then I cut out two large pieces and put it in Pyrex for us the next day.
Before the party, we stopped at Whole Foods, where they sell cake by the slice. They have slices from Chicago Diner. We each got one.
When the time came for dinner, I heated our lasagna.
Since we were eating lasagna like everyone else, it negated the sometimes awkward discussions that start with, “Now, what are YOU having?”
Then when everyone was cutting into cake, there wasn’t a weird vibe of pity around, “Oh, you can’t have any of this…”
I am not a big dessert person. And it doesn’t bother me to not eat cake. (I’m a savory person through and through.)
However, it can feel like you’re a stick in the mud, or rigid, or like there’s too much attention focused on what you’re NOT eating if you’re not having a slice of cake like everyone else.
So it was really nice to pull out our slices of cake and dig in at the same time as everyone else. Plus, the cake from Chicago Diner is crazy good.
Yes, it took more planning on my part to make lasagna ahead of time and pick up dessert. However, in the right circumstances I would totally do it again.
Remember what’s important
I’m always thankful when people invite me into their homes, often going out of their way to make me feel included and considered.
But at the end of the day, what we remember about celebrations has very little to do with the food.
It’s about celebrating the birthday boy or girl, spending time with family and friends, and just enjoying being together. Although many celebrations seem to revolve around food, the ultimate goal is connecting.
KJM
I love this post! My problem is being invited to a friend’s house and having them totally ignore that I am vegan/gluten free. A small gathering and no response to offering to bring something to share. In fact, is so set on the carnivore menu and the menu at hand, is borderline insulted if I offer to bring something I can eat. Instead, suggests I pick around what she is serving. Ugh!
Cadry
Wow, it sounds like your friend really isn’t getting it! Do you think there’s a way that you could more thoroughly explain why having a vegan/gluten free meal is important to you? Or is it common with this friend to not really hear and respect your needs?
Mari
Thank you for your tips. I’ve been vegan now for about seven months. I became vegan right before the holidays! I offered to make the macaroni n cheese and mashed potatoes. I made a vegan and non-vegan option so I could introduce my family to try the vegan versions. I must say, the vegan mashed potatoes were delicious. This year I don’t plan on making the non-vegan version. I’m Mexican, so at Christmas we traditionally make tamales. So I made vegan tamales (thank goodness for YouTube) and the family also loved them. I’m gradually introducing them to new vegan recipes and now they ask me to bring dishes to family gatherings. I have a party to go to with friends who tease me about veganism. They literally send me memes about eating grass because they think it’s funny and because that’s the greatest misconception people have about veganism. She’s worried about the limited options there will be during her party. I reassured her not to worry about me, but seriously, I don’t want to starve while I’m there. I plan on eating breakfast before I go, but I know I’ll get hungry once I’m there. Thank you for your tips!
Cadry
Hi, Mari! I’m glad to hear that your family has been accepting and willing to try new things. That’s wonderful that they now ask you to bring vegan dishes to family gatherings. Tired jokes like the ones your friends have been emailing you do get old, but I’m sure those jokes will die out over time. I hope that you managed not to starve at your friend’s party!
louisa
Thankyou so much for this article!
My family and I aren’t vegan, but my 2 children are having a birthday party tomorrow and have invited 3 vegan friends and their parents. I’ve spent the last week trying to make sure I provided plenty of vegan options at the buffet/party tea and making one if their cakes vegan so everyone can have a slice. Tonight however, I was suddenly filled with self doubt over whether or not I’d done enough to make everyone comfortable as thete will be meat containing options as well (which I’m planning on keeping completely at the other end of the table) and was worried I would offend them.
Feeling very reassured now, thankyou 🙂
Cadry
I’m so glad this post was reassuring, Louisa! It sounds like you were very thoughtful, and I’m sure your vegan friends appreciated it. It means a lot when people go out of their way to be inclusive and considerate. I hope the party went well!
Victoria
I’ve never thought of replicating the food in vegan form, but it makes so much sense!
I do have to remind myself that the celebration has nothing to do with food so I’ll feel better about having different choices, but it’s all worth it at the end of the day 🙂
Cadry
Well said, Victoria!
KZ
Very smart post! I agree on all points, I bring a dish to a family holiday dinner, and bring about 4 cliff bars to any wedding I’m headed to, knowing I’ll be drinking and dancing and in need of lots of fuel! I think coming prepared is the most important part, not only physically prepared with food, but also mentally prepared. Knowing you aren’t going to get decent or any food that night is a good thing, so you don’t wind up disappointed and also come prepared. A nice surprise is always welcome, but not expected. This is also why I’m having a vegan wedding! I have dealt with awkward food situations enough!! It’s my turn to have the food I want now!! haha I know everyone will love it as long as they try it!
Cadry
So true! I’m excited to hear all about your vegan wedding. I’m sure it will be amazing!
River
Excellent tips, Cadry! Fortunately for me, as an antisocial hermit I don’t have to worry about eating at somebody else’s home or party. Fortunately or sadly? 😀
Cadry
Ha! I’m happy for you? 😉
Shonalika
Great article! Very recently we went to have dinner in a traditional British pub with a friend of my mum’s – my mum very deliberately didn’t tell her friend that my sister and I were vegan in order “not to make a fuss,” which I felt would cause more problems than it solved; and as predicted, when we arrived, the restaurant told us that they could have easily prepared a proper meal for us (rather than the ridiculously green plate of plain vegetables we ended up being served) had they been told in advance, whilst our host felt horribly guilty for not “remembering,” that we were vegan and lamented on this supposed failing the entire way through the meal. In other words, we were causing much more of a fuss by “not making a fuss!” Being prepared is helpful for EVERYONE, vegan or not. At least my point was made for me and this particular situation is unlikely to happen again xD
Cadry
That’s such a good point, Shonalika. Everyone is in a better position when we are open and clear with one another.
Susan
I always have to have a plan for going to an event, because I have the potential to get super HANGRY if I don’t have food. Depending on the event I often will eat beforehand, but I also always offer to bring something. I am the ‘bake and bring’ girl. Because vegan baked goods are pretty awesome, often my omni friends have asked me to make dessert for the entire gathering, which I always love doing. 🙂 But otherwise I will normally bring some sort of dip and veggies and some cookies. Something that I can snack on but that other people can enjoy as well. 🙂
The last few weddings I attended my friends were super sweet and as well as having the caterers do a vegan meal for me they actually went out of their way, even though they must have had so much else to think about, to get a vegan cupcake for me to have at cake time! I’m actually getting a little misty eyed thinking about it.
Cadry
Good tips, Susan! And that is so thoughtful that your friends thought of you. That always makes a big impact!
An Unrefined Vegan
Ah, yes…the “what are YOU eating” question! Drives me batty! What a clever solution!
Cadry
Thanks, Annie! That question can make a person feel a bit conspicuous, especially if the attention of the entire room suddenly turns on you.
Nicole {VeganShowOff.com}
Eat Ahead of Time is what I live by! Then if there does happen to be something vegan there, I can eat twice: ) I also carry snacks in my bag and car at all times just in case! I’ve never tried the “replicating the non-vegan meal” thing but that’s a great idea and I’ll definitely keep it in mind!
Cadry
Absolutely! I’d rather double up and have dinner + snacks than be at a party and hungry. Good call on the snacks! A bag of trail mix or Lara bars can be lifesavers.
Jojo
This is such a great pot Cadry! So helpful for new or aspiring vegans who are wondering what to do in social situations. Your way of handling them is so great and I love the story of you taking lasagne and cake slice to the party!
Cadry
Thanks, Jojo!
Bianca
All excellent tips! I never shy away from bringing my own food, and I tend to carry random snacks in my purse at all times anyway. Fortunately, I don’t mind the conversation being focused on what I’m eating though because the more I get to talk about veganism, the better! But I’ve always been the weirdo, so I’m used to it!
Cadry
That’s a good point on the snacks! It’s much better to have snacks that you don’t need or get around to eating than to be starving with nothing to eat.
Alina
Thanks for the post, Cadry! I find it easy to manage our meals when going out to events if I can make something at home and bring with us. There’s more awkwardness going on if we’re not at home to begin with. We recently flew in to New York to attend our nephew’s christening, and there was a reception at a seafood restaurant afterwards with a prix-fixe menu. There was only 2 things out of 4 or 5 courses that my husband and I could eat 🙁 Thankfully, the restaurant grilled us some veggies as an entree option, so we didn’t leave hungry.
Cadry
That’s a good point, Alina! It’s so much trickier when you’re not on your home turf and especially when you don’t have any say in the restaurant choice. I’m glad you didn’t leave hungry at least!
Rachel R.
As a vegetarian who is transitioning to veganism, I really appreciate this series of vegan etiquette! Thank you!
Cadry
I’m so glad to hear that, Rachel! Thanks for letting me know!
Jenna
When newly vegan or vegetarian friends complain about going somewhere without vegan/veg food for them to eat I alway’s say BYOB…Bring Your Own Burrito! I alway’s pack small burritos or wraps for my husband and I when we are going to a wedding or larger affair where it wouldn’t be too inappropriate. 🙂
Cadry
I love it! Plus, you get a burrito out of it, which is a win any day of the week.
Shell
Well said, Cad. It is good to always be prepared. As a wise vending machine once said “Don’t go around hungry”.
Cadry
Wise words from a wise vending machine.