Occasionally I’ll be out to dinner with friends or acquaintances who aren’t vegan, and they will be eating something they especially enjoy.
“Oh, Cadry,” they will say, “you don’t know what you’re missing.”
Then they’ll look at each other conspiratorially like they are in on this big wonderful secret. They’ll give me a look that’s a mixture of pity and as if I’m terribly naïve, not knowing these pleasures they are experiencing.
In a weird way, it takes me back to being in high school, when all of my friends were having sex, and I was not. They’d giggle to each other and slink away to bathrooms to whisper.
The difference, of course, is that I was a meat eater before I was vegan. I didn’t go vegetarian until I was 30. I had 30 years of burgers, chops, and chicken legs. I know what I’m rejecting.
Or they’ll say, “Oh, I have a lot of respect for vegans. I could never do that.”
And I realize it’s coming from a good place, and people don’t mean any offense, but similarly, it feels like they are separating us. It’s as if they think I’m some kind of nun, living an ascetic life and cutting myself off from all forms of pleasure.
Here’s the thing – being vegan is fun and the things I eat are delicious. I’m not gulping down rice cakes and Muesli at every meal.
(Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten either of those foods.)
I don’t feel deprived with chickpea tacos, potato & mushroom pizzas, and yes, even kale salads.
Cooking is my passion. I love going to farmers markets and buying fresh produce. And when I travel, dining at restaurants that I’ve heard about for years.
Food is sustenance, but it is also a pleasure. And that didn’t stop when I became vegetarian over a decade ago.
“But don’t you ever feel tempted to cheat?” they ask.
It’s a weird concept – cheating. It sets up this idea that there’s a vegan private eye, watching my every move, waiting to jump out from the bushes and yell, “Gotcha!”
I’ve even had people insinuate that David might “cheat on veganism” when he’s on business trips.
He’s a grown man! If he desired a burger, he could easily get one a mile or two from our home. He doesn’t have to wait until he’s in Nevada to have a “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” kind of moment.
It’s as if they think I’m forcing being vegan on him. And like Darth Vader, my Jedi mind trick is only strong enough when I’m at arm’s length.
David went vegan and stays vegan on his own accord, because those are his values, not because I’m exerting my will on him.
Am I tempted to cheat on my vegan lifestyle? No. You don’t have to cheat on something you are choosing.
And who cheats on something that makes them happy? It would be akin to asking a happily married woman, “Oh, do you cheat on your spouse who brings you so much joy and purpose?” Why would I?
I know that people have attachments to foods, and I’m no different. But I’m not looking at a steak and wishing I could eat it.
I chose a vegan lifestyle for ethical reasons. It wasn’t prescribed to me or forced on me. I went vegan as a way to reject violence against the powerless. So it’s very easy to say no to a pork chop when I know the pain behind it.
That isn’t to diminish how hard at first it can be to change your habits. When you are used to making the same things and ordering the same things, it can take a certain amount of stamina to adjust your meals, make new habits and traditions, discover new restaurants, and order from a different part of the menu.
If you live in a house with non-vegans, the temptation for the things you used to eat may still be sitting in the dairy drawer.
There can be some growing pains and awkwardness when we seek to redefine ourselves or make new choices. But with time, it becomes second nature.
When I first went vegan, I still had attachments to the things I used to eat. And I had a repertoire of foods that I was used to cooking.
It didn’t take planning or forethought to make a dinner. I could make the same things I always made, the same things I grew up eating.
So when I had to step outside of my norm and start considering new foods, it felt more time consuming. But with time, new habits developed.
All these years later, it doesn’t take me any longer to cook a vegan meal than it did a non-vegan one. It takes the same amount of time to make black bean tacos as it did beef tacos.
A pizza takes the same amount of time in the oven regardless of whether it’s topped with peppers or pepperoni.
Some people assume that being vegan is living with constant temptation, but nothing lives in a vacuum. Thoughts and ideas affect actions and experiences. With time I started experiencing things differently.
When I used to eat meat and there was bone or gristle in it, it put me off of it. I didn’t like a reminder that it was someone’s body and bone. I’d have to force myself not to think about it.
But now that it’s no longer part of my normal, everyday life, it seems strange to me that I had such a visceral reaction but tried to mute it instead of listen to it.
I saw a news story recently about a fast food fried chicken chain. A customer was upset, because he found a chicken’s lung in his takeout meal.
It all seems so arbitrary now. There are all kinds of norms about which animals are eaten and which are not. In some cultures cows are fine, in others not fine. In some cultures pigs are okay, and in others not. But then you have instances where a particular animal is fine, but just not certain parts of the animal.
The distinction seems very random.
So it’s okay to eat their legs, thighs, and breasts. But if there’s a lung alongside it, that is a step too far?
It made me wonder if that guy was also trying to mute the voice in his head that said, “Wait a second. This chicken has chickens in it!”
People think that being vegan takes loads of restraint and willpower. But in some ways, it takes less.
Unless you work at VegNews, it’s very likely that your co-workers aren’t bringing in vegan cupcakes for their birthdays or vegan donuts for morning meetings. I don’t have to use restraint to have just one when nothing there is vegan.
Every time that I’m in a room with a bunch of non-vegan donuts, I don’t have to police myself or decide, “Do I want one donut today or two or three?” If the donuts aren’t vegan, I won’t be having any.
That may sound like it’s just as difficult, but I find it much easier. I don’t have to make that decision in the moment. I decided that over a decade ago.
It’s like any other habit. I don’t have to decide every morning that I’m going to brush my teeth and grapple with myself, “Will I do it today?”
Of course I will.
Every morning, I brush my teeth. I made that decision once, and now I just keep brushing.
Also, once you have opted out of animal products, there’s a lot less advertising coming at you for things you actually buy. Billions of dollars are spent on advertising, but most of that goes towards things with animal products.
The flyers stuffed in my mailbox and endless fast food ads on television aren’t advertising to me. They aren’t showing off their new vegan nachos with cashew queso or using a celebrity to shill for their chickpea curry.
I don’t pass billboards for Native Foods or Veggie Grill. Unless it’s for phone service or insurance, most advertising is not directed at me. I can easily tune it out.
Businesses advertise because it works. But that’s a whole billion-dollar industry that rarely markets anything I actually purchase.
Funnily enough, though, I am more often swayed by the Instagram feeds I follow or blogs I read. When I see people posting about the vegan mac and cheese they made or showing off their bowls with collard greens and cornmeal crusted tofu, I suddenly have a hankering for my own.
But what about when you travel?
You may have heard about people who make a “Paris exception” for when they are traveling. And if they are vegan, they stop being vegan for the duration of the trip.
I don’t do that for many reasons.
One, I don’t want to eat animals or their secretions. That’s why I went vegan.
I don’t want to eat them in Paris, Texas or Paris, France. I’m not interested in taking a vacation from my ethics.
It would be silly to turn down brie at home but decide the same brie gets a pass in Paris. It’s the same thing.
To paraphrase Dr. Seuss, I do not want it here or there. I do not want it anywhere.
Two, if you’re always looking for an excuse, you will find it. If I had a “what happens in Paris” mindset, I could decide I also needed a corn dog at the Iowa State Fair, runza in Omaha, and ribs in Kansas City.
Every city has a specialty. But if you look a little deeper, many places also have vegan specialties too.
I’d much rather have Krunkwich over a corn dog, raspberry cheesecake over runza, and a reuben over ribs.
When I seek out locally owned businesses that tend to source from area farmers, I see no reason why that’s not as legitimate of an experience of that place’s food culture as anything else.
In summation, am I tempted to eat non-vegan foods? No. When you don’t want something, it’s not a temptation.
With every meal I make, I have a choice to live in a way that makes me feel healthy, alive, and vital while reducing suffering for someone else. That’s an easy choice to make.
Kim W
Thank You.
I am vegetarian and I still get the you don’t know what you are missing. Thank you for presenting veganism as a choice rather than a deprivation. I chose to abstain from eating animal products for Lent and the “Oh you can’t have” attitude has been driving me crazy. Thank you for the pleasant reminder.
Yes I have been tempted to “cheat” because I have had the lens of deprivation, not willing sacrifice. Thank You for this post.
Cadry
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Kim!
Jayme
Thank you.
Cadry
My pleasure. Thank you for dropping by, Jayme.
Jennifer
I loved this article! Especially when you point out how subjective it is to view certain animal products as gross. In the US we view different parts as disgusting, but most people haven’t even tried it (like gizzards and liver.) I think it is a little funny grossed out people are about it, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that it reminds people that chicken was in fact a living chicken. As you put it “There’s chicken in my chicken!”
But I do have to say, I think the “Paris Exception” is one that is unfair to judge in part it is a little outdated. Yes some people who are vegan will make exceptions when they travel, but I think that happened more when people didn’t have easy access to so many blogs and vegan restaurant listings. Things are totally changing, and I think a lot of people are much more confident while traveling overseas.
Cadry
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Jennifer! I really appreciated hearing your perspective.
It’s certainly easier than ever to travel while vegan. To me, one of the best parts is the anticipation while looking up vegan options and restaurants in the cities I’ll visit. However, I’ve heard from people who fear they will be missing out if they don’t have particular non-vegan foods in places. That’s why I wanted to speak to that in my portion of the post about the Paris exception. Some people associate certain foods with having a “real” experience of a place. So it’s not so much that vegan options aren’t available as it is that they think they must have certain iconic foods to have a legitimate experience.
I’ve also heard from people who worry that they’ll offend someone while traveling if they turn down food. Personally, I feel that if I can turn down fried chicken from my own mother, I can turn down anything from a hypothetical stranger while I’m on a hypothetical trip. I didn’t mean to imply that most vegans were making exceptions while they travel, but simply that it is a thing that some people grapple with.
Jennifer
I do find it weird when people are afraid to offend people by declining food, because yes I know it can be a big cultural thing, but if you say “ethically I can not eat your food, this is part of my culture” I feel like people should understand that there is a cultural gap and leave it be.
I am really glad for vegan blogs because there are so many international food blogs that do show that vegan food is still very regional. In my pre-gan days I always wanted to travel and try all the exotic foods places have to offer, and I don’t think I would be missing too much as everyone has a certain pride in their local foods and will veganize it. Thanks for your reply.
Jennifer
What a beautiful post!! I loved it.
Cadry
Thank you, Jennifer! I’m glad to hear it. <3
Kristina
I love this post so much – I have shared it with SO MANY people this week! and I completely agree – it IS easier! just not an option, and not a big deal anyway.
XO
Cadry
That’s so nice to hear, Kristina. Thank you! I’m glad to hear that you find it easier too, and you’re right, skipping those things is not a big deal at all. I don’t mind if I’m not eating office chocolate chip cookies.
Richa {VeganRicha.com}
You have a way with words Cadry. This is a fantastic post.
Cadry
Thank you so much, Richa!
Linda @ Veganosity
Excellent post, Cadry! When my friends or family members tell me that I don’t know what I’m missing, as they’re chewing on a piece of flesh, I know what I want to say. Thankfully, I’m able to temper my response and just tell them that I know exactly what I’m NOT missing.
Cadry
Yes, we’ve had the opportunity to be both vegan and not vegan. We know both sides, and I’m very happy living a compassionate life.
Pat
I loved this post. I kept thinking “yes, me too” throughout the whole post. What I liked the most was your take on the office donuts or cupcakes or whatever. For years I’ve felt that it was so much easier not to have make a conscious decision about whether to eat those office snacks and until now no one understood, they just thought I was depriving myself. I can’t begin to count how many times people just referred to my choice to be vegan as restricting myself. Not to mention their references to orthorexia, which I agree may be an issue for some people, but certainly isn’t synomous with vegan nor do I have it. Thanks for putting my thoughts into words.
Cadry
Thank you, Pat! I’m glad to hear that my post resonated with you and that you’ve had similar feelings about the office donuts. I can see how others might view it as deprivation, but to my mind, there’s so much less temptation and policing when there are simply no vegan options available. The question of how many I’ll eat is easily answered – none. Plus, it’s not as if I don’t have treats other times. There are plenty of vegan treats out there that I enjoy; they just aren’t sitting in front of me all day in the office.
Caitlin
GREAT post, Cadry!! I agree. No I’m not “tempted” to “cheat” because I love my vegan lifestyle, and I’ve never eaten better than since I’ve gone vegan. And nothing is better than sitting down to a meal and knowing animals weren’t harmed in making my dinner.
Cadry
Thank you, Caitlin! I’ve never eaten better either. Although it may seem counterintuitive to some, being vegan has only expanded and enlivened my diet. And you’re right, the best part is knowing my meals are only packed with life-giving rather than life-taking foods.
kittee
Rice cakes are delicious!!
But I agree. Veganism isn’t a diet, it’s a choice and nothing to cheat on.
xo
kittee
Cadry
If you say rice cakes are delicious, that’s a good reason to try them. You haven’t let me down so far!
Kittee
Corn cakes are best. Ha.
Nicole {VeganShowOff.com}
Cadry, I don’t know what to say except for this is one of the best blog posts I’ve read in a really long time! You made so many good points and said it all so well. It’s so annoying when people ask me if I “cheat”. I had a friend who was eating some cheesy beefy soup thing while we were at a restaurant and was exclaiming out loud how good it was. Then she looked at me and said “Oh no, I’m sorry, I feel bad eating this in front of you because you can’t have it!”, “Does this bother you that I eat this in front of you?” At first I thought she was asking if it offended me ethically that she was eating it in front of me but then I realized that she thought she was teasing me with it, like I was on some kind of a diet or something and it was tempting me! The thing is that this girl is one of the nicest people I know and it was 100% coming from a place of good intentions. This drives me nuts along with the “oh, you can’t have this” that I get way too much. Now I’m just like, “Yes, I can have it, I just choose not to have it!” and that pretty much sums it up!
Cadry
Thank you so much, Nicole! What a kind and thoughtful comment. I really appreciate that.
I totally understand what you are saying about your outing with your friend. David often has co-workers bringing in non-vegan cookies, cupcakes, or cheese plates to work, and then he gets a lot of unwanted attention of people feeling bad that he “can’t” eat those things. It’s no big deal to him that he won’t be having a dessert that day. The more uncomfortable thing is having people apologize for something he hadn’t planned on anyway. Like you said, it’s absolutely coming from a good place, of course, but it can still feel a little awkward.
Michele
So well said!
Cadry
Thank you, Michele!
cookeasyvegan
You should definitely try to publish this piece in a publication that non-vegans read. We vegans all know these things, but this is exactly what I want to say (and sometimes do) to omnivores who “feel sorry for me.” Occasionally I do answer back in the same tone that people use to tell me what I’m missing or ask if I wish I could have the juicy steak they are having. No, I don’t. I don’t want to be responsible for the suffering of the animals they are eating. I don’t want the ice cream or milk, boots, etc. etc. And no, I don’t feel deprived or as if I’m missing out. Sometimes I just say I would love to discus it with them but not while we’re eating. And that’s why it would be a good thing to share your words with the omnivore world on neutral ground away from the dinner table. You’ve written such a clear explanation of the vegan lifestyle choice, without anger and without condemnation.
Cadry
Thank you, Andrea! What kind of publication do you have in mind? Where do you think would be a good place to pitch it?
Thanks for sharing your insights! I also prefer to have these kinds of discussions on “neutral ground,” so that no one feels singled out or defensive.
Mandy
Oh! And I swear I had a dream about this pizza after seeing your IG post yesterday!
Cadry
That’s hilarious! My food is entering your subconscious! 😉
Mandy
I loved this post SO much!!! So perfectly written and I could relate to all of it. I dislike feeling separated from my friends and family just because I quit animal products – I can sense their discomfort sometimes around me and often times think that it’s their own guilt for not following a more compassionate lifestyle. I never push my beliefs or food onto anyone, yet nine times out of ten, at a family gathering, I’m the one being picked on with comments like, “you’re missing out” or “what’s one bite going to do?” Awesome post and I’m right there with you – I’ve never felt tempted or wanted to “cheat” – I’ll be passing your post along to some friends 🙂
Cadry
Thank you, Mandy! Yes, I don’t think I ever really thought about the pull to conform and the disquieting feeling when we fight against that until I went vegan. Especially with family and close friends, there’s a shift when a person decides to do something different. It can take a bit of time for everyone to adjust.
Pixie @ Cheerfully Vegan
After many years of being vegan (20+), I don’t miss anything! But after working almost a year in a hospital, visiting the rooms of so many patients to obtain their signatures, I have a very good answer for the “You don’t know what you are missing!” comments. Yes, I DO know what I’m missing. I’m missing: All the many, many lifestyle diseases that are crippling people. All the heartache of watching family members suffer who ate the Standard American Diet for most of their life (many of my extended family members are now vegan, too). Looking years older than I have to look because I didn’t choose to eat the rainbow available to me instead of a slab of some poor little critter’s body. Losing strength, energy, and vitality. Looking gray and ashen because my liver and/or kidneys have been destroyed by my diet. Wow – I could get really graphic about what I see – but I won’t. Suffice it to say that I am even MORE cheerfully vegan than I was a year ago when I started that hospital job! What a blessing it is to chose healthy foods, not only for the sake of animals, but for my own health’s sake!
Cadry
What an interesting perspective you have, coming from working in a hospital setting. I can see how that would shine new light on your dietary habits. Thank you for sharing!
Dianne
You make so many great points here! Such a great article!
Cadry
Thanks, Dianne! <3
KZ
I definitely feel the same way! It’s almost as if meat/dairy/eggs don’t even register as food to me anymore, or I don’t get hungry for those things anymore. The reasons for being vegan are so much more important to me than how anything might taste. Thanks for writing such an awesome post <3
Cadry
Thank you! I’m glad to hear that it resonated with you.
Jenny
I love this post, thank you for writing! Curiously enough Paris is becoming a vegan hotspot these days!
My consistent answer to those who tell me “you don’t know what you’re missing” is…. “oh, I do know what I’m missing”. They may as well ask me if I feel tempted to eat cardboard boxes or lightbulbs!
Cadry
Thank you, Jenny! Yes, I’m so eager to get back to Paris – for the food and for everything else it has to offer!
Susan
I think I am the only person in the world who has not seen Jessica Jones… one day… my time will come.. oh yes!
I agree with so much of this post. Since going vegan I am not tempted to ‘cheat’ or make exceptions for food, because I am doing this for ethical reasons. Also vegan food is so great. But even if vegan food wasn’t as great as it is, I would still be vegan for the animals.
I must say though, I do love some muesli! And I am quite fond of rice thins as well. 😉
Cadry
Susan, I can’t believe you haven’t seen Jessica Jones yet! I specifically had you in mind when I wrote the line about Kilgrave. Knowing your penchant for sci fi, I thought for sure you’d be all over that. I tried watching an episode of Jessica Jones, and while it was well made, it was just way too violent for me. It’s too bad, because I’ve heard David Tennant is excellent in it (no surprise). I’d love to see him in action, but I’d also like to sleep at night. 🙂
I agree, vegan food is delicious, and so in no way do I feel like I’m “lacking” for anything. But even if it was all salads & baked potatoes, I’d still be vegan. Luckily, there’s no need for that!
EC
This was beautiful, and right on the money!
Cadry
Thank you! That’s nice to hear. 🙂
Veganopoulous
Spot on, Cadry! I feel no temptation, simply because I don’t like what the non-vegan food represents. If I see a meat meal I used to love, I have no desire for it because it no longer appeals to me. In fact it’s more likely to repulse me! I haven’t really experienced too much of the condescending “you don’t know what you’re missing” but well, yes, I do know what I’m missing– the stuff I chose not to be a part of! I always fancied myself as a bit of a foodie and good cook pre-vegan but wow, going vegan exposed me to so much more. I’m a way more imaginative cook now than I ever was. So nope, I’m never, ever tempted to eat a non-vegan food and it does kinda bug me when people don’t believe that or think I’m secretly craving a steak. I never craved a steak before I was vegan either!
Cadry
Yes, you’re so right about a food more likely being repulsive than appealing.
It is interesting how by removing foods from the line-up, it can actually expand a person’s repertoire and creativity. I’m a much more creative cook now too. I’ve been inspired to discover a lot of new foods and styles of cuisine that I never ate before I went vegan.
Jojo
I love this post so much! I’ve been asked if I’m tempted to eat non-vegan foods so many times over the last 10 years and my answer, like yours, is a huge NO.
Cadry
Thank you, Jojo! It’s interesting how with time one’s perception of the same thing changes. Before I went vegan, there were lots of non-vegan foods I liked (obviously), and now those same things hold zero draw.
Becky Striepe
I loved this, Cadry!
Cadry
I’m so glad, Becky!
June
“… I’m not looking at a steak and wishing I could eat it. I made a choice to go vegan for ethical reasons … as a way to reject violence against the powerless. So it’s very easy to say no to a pork chop when I know the pain behind it.”
That pretty much says it all, for me too. Great post, thank you so much!
Cadry
Thank you, June! <3
johanna @ Green Gourmet Giraffe
Great food for thought. I find the silly comments such as “aren’t you tempted by my burger” far more annoying than that I don’t eat the burger. Your comments about it just being a habit are right. For me that idea that I would eat meat seems just odd and the only brain confusion at times is that I eat vegetarian sausages and so sometimes I look at meat sausages and wish they were vegetarian.
In some ways bringing up a vegetarian child is great because she never wants to go to Maccas and other fast food places because they are mostly meat so I agree it is easy to tune out of a lot of advertising.
However I also think the internet has made travel so much easier. I travelled quite a lot before the internet as a vegetarian and I think I restricted my diet to avoid meat quite a lot whereas now it is so easy to find where the best veg restaurant is in another city.
Cadry
So many good points, Johanna! That’s a really interesting perspective that raising a vegetarian child is easier in some ways because you don’t have the pull of McDonald’s. I agree that the internet really helps in terms of finding vegan-friendly businesses on the road. Sometimes I wonder what I did on trips before I went vegan, because it’s so much fun to research vegan restaurants and stores and seek them out on my travels. I often end up in cool, arty neighborhoods that I might not have discovered if I’d stayed in touristy areas. I feel like I see where the locals go off the beaten path.
Irene
With every meal I make, I have a choice to live in a way that makes me feel healthy, alive, and vital while reducing suffering for someone else. That’s an easy choice to make.
Irene
Oops. I meant to say “what a great quote”‘
Cadry
Thank you, Irene! I’m glad it spoke to you.
Robin Schultz
Perfect. . . every word! Looking for the pizza recipe (picture at the top)
Cadry
Thanks, Robin! I wish I could share the pizza recipe with you, but the pizza was from Forbidden Planet in Iowa City, Iowa. It was topped with truffles, potato slices, and truffle oil. Sadly, they removed it from the menu, and so I can’t get it either. 🙁
Tanya
Yes to all of this!! I’ve thought all these things but you were able to put it on “paper” so elegantly!! Thank you!!
Cadry
That’s so nice to hear. Thanks, Tanya!
Tracey
What a fabulous blog post! I actually just shared it with my dad & sister who are both vegan. I couldn’t agree more with what you said. I honestly don’t think there is any food out there that I can’t enjoy way better as a vegan version. The other big reason I don’t feel tempted is for the reasons you mention about another animals pain & suffering. I don’t want any part of it! I also feel soooo good eating plant based. I really wish more people would give it a shot.
Cadry
Yes, there’s reason, after reason, after reason to love being vegan! Thank you for such a sweet comment, Tracey.